Friday, January 25, 2008

God????

Lately I have really felt close to God. I think it is because I have been truly trying to get to know Him on a deeper level. I know that those who are close to me already know this, but for some this may be a new insight into me. I am terrible at making friends. I enjoy good conversation and I enjoy visiting with people, but I find that I won't let people get to know the real me. I have always struggled with this and I am trying to find out why as well as make changes. I think it probably stems from my youth. I was the kind of kid on the playground that would make a new best friend within minutes of playing with new kids. I remember vividly some things that happened to me in 6Th grade, a time at my school when clicks were formed and invisible label's were placed on every one's back that determined where you fit in. I remember as I worked my way through Jr high and high school that I seemed to have 2 different personalities. At school I was quiet and SHY and at church I was confident and well-liked. I was mortified when my world's would collide and I had to figure out who to be in that particular environment. I remember in the early days of my college experience, the same pattern of compartmentalizing my friendships. I lived one life with the people I hung out with from school, another with friends from my high school years and I added a third lifestyle with my friends from work. I was desperate to keep the ball rolling in many parts of my life, but I felt very disconnected. I think this is when I felt most vulnerable and would let people take advantage of me. In late 1997/ early 1998 I began to form the most sincere friendships of my life. I met my husband and thankfully surrounded myself with people who truly cared for me. These are my lifelong friends - you know who you are!! I still struggle to let people in and I wonder if I will ever be able to grow new branches on the tree of my life. I hope so. I wonder if I will ever get to the place in my walk with God where I fully trust Him to carry me through times of drought with friends and be willing to jump into new friendships and make true deep connections. I am trying, but I struggle with it daily. I often start the day out with good intentions of reaching out to people, but I find many excuses along the way. For instance, this morning I got up and decided to take the kids to playgroup, yet here I sit. I don't know what my problem is!! I do actually! I don't trust that God will help me in this area. I am holding on to old hurts and embracing the fears of other's and the things I witnessed while I was growing up. I am afraid to take the leap and invest in a relationship that, I assume, will hurt me. I know,in my head, that some people are brought into your life for a season, but my heart doesn't understand the loss that will come. I pray to give this issue over to God, but as I am getting older I understand that old habits truly do die hard.
Now, as for the title of this entry, "God?"...
Last night as we were driving home from Bible study, Noah asked Aaron and I WHO God was. We looked at each other and I said "God is love". Aaron further explained some of the characteristics of God to our little inquisitive almost 3 year old. Noah seemed a bit more settled on the issue and then asked WHERE God was. Aaron and I both answered, (in unison), "God is everywhere". Noah, making the connection, said "God????" In a voice similar to the one he uses to find out if Aaron or I saw him do something that he did knowing full well that he was not allowed to do.
Please pray for little Noah as he is trying to seek out answer's to many things in life, spiritual and otherwise. Also, please pray for Aaron and I as we try to give the best answer's to Noah.

1 comment:

Stephany Weldon said...

My friendship and love for you, Becky, will never ever change! It's super hard to trust people and to wait for the unknown. Good for you, though, for turning to God rather than man for your answers! You are a great inspiration! Proud of you!!!

********************* What's New with the Dells? ********************

*********************************** Becky Dell *********************************

*********************Child of God, happily married to a wonderful man and together we are raising 2 amazing Boys!*************

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I am a child of God! I am happily married to the love of my life and together we are raising two amazing boys.