I was just thinking...

I am sitting in my living room. The boys are watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD. I am tired, but rested. (Is that possible?) Roxi the Pug is on the floor vent for our heater, the most coveted spot in our entire home when it is cold out. My mind is racing from one thing to the next and I am struck by how much of my time is spent thinking about stuff that doesn't matter. I am constantly re-working situations in my mind. You know, the "what if I would have", "I should have", "I can't believe I" thoughts that are not used for learning, but for tearing oneself down. I am stuck in this rut, again, of feeling like an utter failure. I am not saying that for pity, but because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want to get off my mind. I think with each passing year I am getting more and more discouraged with some area's of my life. I feel so emotional at times, much like the CRAZYirrationalhormoneinducedemotional rollercoaster I rode during my junior high school years. It is so strange. I remember times of discouragement in my youth. Times of feeling like no matter what I did, no matter what my intention or how hard I tried, things seemed to fall flat. I don't know how to explain it exactly. I am just frustrated I guess. I feel selfish for these thoughts and feeling this way. I am so richly blessed. I have a devoted, hard working fhusband. Two wonderful, healthy and amazing boys, pretty much everything but the white picket fence. Why should I feel unsatisfied? Why? I have more than I ever wanted, yet I feel sad a lot of the time. I know a lot of these feelings have to do with knowing winter is fast approaching and I will be stuck inside for 5 months and that is very difficult for me. Also, Saturday is the 5th anniversary of my due date for our first child. It will be a difficult day. A day where the rest of the world moves along at a normal pace, but my world comes to a stop throughout the day when I think about this precious child I never got to hold.

I know I need to rest in God, I am trying, but it is a struggle. So, if you are like me and you need to find peace search for answers in the Bible. Seek his wisdom and comfort. Rest in Him. I know I am going to try to.

A normal day

So, life is one again running on schedule. So far anyway. I haven't talked too much about last week yet because I am so tired still and my mind is not in a healthy place about it. All of the mommy guilt is killing me. Some of the thoughts are rational: why didn't I listen to my instinct on Friday instead of waiting until Sunday night? answer: because I was listening to those who I thought know a lot more about this stuff than I did and I am a hypochondriac. Other thoughts are very dark and I won't share them with you yet. It is too painful. I have analyzed the entire week and continue to come to the same conclusion.

(In my sinful mind) The truth is...

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am fearful.

I am worried.

I am waiting for all of the blessing in my life get up and leave once they realize who they are stuck with.

In reality...

I believe that God is sovereign.

I believe he has complete control over our lives.

I believe God has Collin's life set in stone since the beginning of time.

Nothing that happens is out of God's plan or control. This brings great comfort, but reminds me I have no control. I love control, hate not having control and constantly sin in this area of my life. What will it take for me to actually let go of things and rest in the beauty of my precious Father. He has it all figured out. I am not here for myself, but for His perfect plan. My prayer right now is that I will daily give that control up and become more like Him and less like me.

Collin Update Saturday

Collin is going home TODAY!!! IV has been removed, regular clothes have been put on and I am packing up our belongings! Praise God!

Some pics and a movie

This is what Collin looked like before we got him to the hospital.

Here he is on Monday! It was the first day in almost a week that he tried to play with anything.
Later that day he received a Build A Bear from Aunti Jen!
This is an adorable pic from a couple of days ago! You can see he is starting to come to life.
*note there are no pics of me for a reason!
Here he is w/ Grandpa getting ready for a walk. So cute!
Finally some rest! (For only a short while, but he looks so sweet!)

Here is a video I took today so you could see the improvement. Thank you so much for your support and prayer.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I just want to scream! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! It helps, but it isn't the same to write a scream. I am weary this morning. I am sad. I am tired. I feel torn. This is the first time I have had to be away from Noah when he is sick. My heart is breaking. I know he is in great hands! (Thank you Mom and Dad!) I know he is not feeling that bad, but I also know he is missing his mommy and brother a lot right now! Collin misses Noah too. A LOT! Yesterday, Collin started crying, "I miss my Noah! I want my Noah. I miss my brother." It hurts them to be apart especially because they don't understand why or what is going on. Last night is was so precious to listen to them talk over the phone. When the boys were done talking, I took the phone and told Noah how much I love him and I that I wanted to take him out for ice cream when Collin is all better and we come home. Collin said he wanted to go too! I told him that I think it should just be Noah and Mommy and he could do something with just Daddy. Noah told me, " Oh, it's okay Mom! My brother can come too and my Dad!" So, when this hellish reality of hospitals and separation is over, you'll find us on a famiy date! I cannot wait!!!
So if you're reading this and you have all your kids at home give them a big hug in honor of my lonely heart!

Collin Update Thursday

Wednesday night brought us the beautiful gift of sleep! Praise the Lord! Aaron, Collin and I all slept through the night with only a few awakenings. I didn't realize how much I needed it. Today was very calm at the hospital. Not so at my parents house! The morning started early when Noah, our oldest, woke them up with a high fever (102+) and terrible shivering. That is exactly how Collin started his illness last week. Aaron took Noah to the doc and he had crackling in his lungs. He is on a breathing medication to open his airway and an antibiotic. His should clear up quickly because we caught it early and he was properly examined and diagnosed. The doctor didn't mess around because he knows what is going on with Collin.
Alright, on to Collin. Today went fast! He napped twice. I napped once. He ate. I ate. That is not the best part though! The best part is that he has been off of oxygen since mid afternoon! He is holding his own! He is doing well! He still has a lot of stuff in his lungs, but he is getting much better! The discontinued one of his antibiotics because they still have not grown anything on his culture and Noah has the exact same thing now(= it was probably spread by Collin). Therefore, it is looking more viral at this point and the med they discontinued fought bacterial pneumonia. He is responding well to walking and loves playing! It is so great! I don't know when we will be released, but I hope it is SOON! I will let you know!
Thanks again for your prayers!!

Collin Update Wednesday

Today was wonderful. Well, as wonderful as it can be when you have a child in the hospital. The morning started with a happy Collin. He had a great attitude with his doctor's and nurses, for the most part and love the new "games" resp. therapy has him doing to open his airways. What kid wouldn't love being told he has to blow into one of those party favors that unrolls or blow bubbles inside(!) or go on a walk to see a fish tank. Oh I can't forget how he also love his pinwheel!! The doctors and nurses still continue to bless our family with the love and care they pour over our family daily. Collin's room feels warm and homey with cards from his friends, Jacob and Ellie, Noah and even a card made and given to him secretly by a child he has never met. He loves his flowers from Daddy and the Chase family. He loves his balloons. He loves having MANY gifts given to him several times a day. He loves the picture of he and Noah and the one of Daddy and Roxi that Daddy brought from home. It has made a big difference in my mood too! Everywhere I look in his room shows promise, love and support. It has been crucial to our survival.
Today while I was giving him one of his massages, (yeah, there are some perks to having a mom that is a massage therapist), he looked at his flowers and said, "God made those flowers mom." We spent the next several minutes talking about many things that God has made. It was so nice. We talked about:
Mommy: Collin, where are you?
Collin: At the doctor's.
M: Why are you here?
C: The doctors are making my boo-boo's all better.
I found such comfort in this. He does kind of understand what is going on. This brings great peace to both of us.
We consulted with a Pulmonologist today and he suggested a few new things we are trying. He had another chest xray, which we have yet to talk to a doctor about. I spoke with one of Collin's resp therapist's and she said she only read the report and when she compared the new and old reports there was not much change. I am slightly discouraged by this, but only slightly because he is showing great improvement. He got to go on 2 walks today!! He walks from his room to the waiting room to look at the fish tank. A big surprise today was that my BFF was here visiting me when I got the call to come back to help him w/ his walk. It takes Aaron and I to do one of his walks, we have an IV pole and O2 tank to tote along with us. Well, when he saw Aunt Stephy he lit up like a spot light and grinned ear to ear. She got some great big hugs and it made his day. He seems to be doing much better and we have even successfully brought his O2 down from 2 liters to 1.5 liters. Soon they plan on lowering it another 1/2 liter. I pray it holds!
This morning Aaron arrived and we traded "posts"! I got Noah and he got Collin. It was so great to see my big boy!! We went to Bob Evan's for breakfast. We ordered and the server was about to walk away when Noah told her "My brother is in the hospital, yeah he's sick". It was all I could do NOT to cry. I was missing Collin. I was feeling guilty for missing him when I hadn't spent any time with Noah since our 15 min playdate 2 days ago. I knew Collin would be having a blood draw while I was away and I wouldn't be able to be there to hold him. After we ate, I made it as far as the cash stand before the tears started pouring out of my eyes. We got to the van, I was somewhat composed, when Noah told me he wanted to hug me for a long time. I L.O.S.T. it! I sobbed into his tiny shoulder and tried to assure him they were happy tears because I missed him so much and now that we were together I was so happy I couldn't help myself. He just said,"come on Mom, stop crying." I cried until we got to Walmart where I bought him a gift and passed him off to grandpa then headed back to the hospital. I am stacking up the mommy guilt, I will try to refrain from my (mostly tainted) thinking. Let's just say I feel pretty guilty right now. While at Wally world I snagged some cough syrup for me and some chapstick for Collin. I returned to the hospital to find a snuggling Daddy and Collin. It was beautiful. It warmed my heart as does looking up from my lappy to see the same picture in living color right in front of me.
I am so thankful Aaron is here tonight. Last night was almost more than I could take! I hope sleeping in shifts will help, but right now I am not even tired. I know it is impossible that I could be anything less than wiped out, but I am running on adrenaline right now. Crazy, ADD type adrenaline. My mind is rushing!
I should probably call it a night! More to come tomorrow! Thank you again for your love, support and encouragement! It means a lot!

Collin Update Tuesday

Today had high points and low points. I am in awe of the peace that has come over my mind. Collin spent most of the day in his bed resting. The highest point of my day was watching Collin play with playdough, smile, talk and even laugh. The highest high point was hearing him say,"I love you Mom" when I thought he was sleeping. I went over to his bed and kissed his sweet head. He smiled. My heart warmed.
As far as his condition, he remains mostly unchanged. His right lung has no change at all, but his left lung sounded "slightly improved". I will count this as a high and low point, but I will also count this as a blessing. He showws some improvement! He didn't get worse! Those are good things. I find I am strangely calm and optimistic and that is because God is taking care of my baby and I believe he is. He loves Collin more than me. He cares for Aaron and I. He has a plan for Collin. He has a plan for this whole horrible situation.
Collin is still scared of the doc's and nurses for the most part. I am thankful he has been deemed "not contagious" so no one has to wear a mask anymore which is a lot less scary. That is a high point.
I will only dwell briefly on the low points and simply state them as fact w/o commentary.
~He isn't able to maintain enough oxygen on his own.
~They have tried 2 times to lower the amount of O2, but it did not work, so he was put back on a higher dose.
~We aren't going home anytime soon. Maybe Friday. Maybe.
~Collin is still very sick.
~Collin may still end up in the PICU.
~He is still having nightmares.
Okay there are more, but I just can't dwell on it any more tonight.
We have a wonderful support system and friends have even brought food to our hospital room so we don't go broke eating cafeteria food. (Almost $30 in 1 1/2 days! That is like 25% of our grocery bill for 2 weeks of food.)
Another HIGH point was getting to see and spend time with Noah! Praise God the hospital has a beautiful courtyard and we got to play. It was wonderful.
I need to go, hope to write more tomorrow. Thank you for your continued prayers!

Anything I can do to help??

There are so many wonderful people offering to help our family I don't know where to start the thank you's. Right now, we are living minute by minute and I don't know what we will need. The control freak inside of me has lost hold and I am resting in God's promise that he is sovereign and has already written the book of my Collin's life.
I am writing this post to the drip-drip-bubble-bubble that sounds like a mix between a dog lapping water and a bath tub filling with water. The sound is actually the water that is moistening the oxygen that is piping into Collin's 3 (and almost1/2) year old body. 1.5 liters, whatever that means. I am sitting on the hard couch in his room while Aaron is coaxing Collin into leaving the cannula (oxygen tube thing) in his sore little nose. Every few minutes the DING DING DING of his monitor breaks the rhythm of the O2 gizmo and I get jerked out of the "happy place" I am trying to create in my mind. Those of you who know Collin know he HATES bandaids. He always has. As you can imagine, having his little arm on a flat board from wrist to elbow is a hot button issue for him. Now he has discovered he can bang the back of the board on his bedrail and make a loud noise. Yay! (sarcasm intended). Every 1/2 hour my baby awakes. He has had terrible nightmares since arriving here about 24 hours ago. He is tiny and frail. He has lost 5 lbs since last Thursday and is now only 31lbs. As a massage therapist, his physique helps me guide along the muscles, as a mama it make me cry. Literally. Let me just say, crying while you are already losing your voice and occasionally coughing is a recipe for frustration. I can't help it. I am sad. I want to lay down on my bed and let it out. i can't. My baby needs me. He wants me. He must have me. I went to dinner tonight with Aaron to the hospital cafeteria while my mom watched Collin. I got a call about 7 minutes later from her saying I should go back. So I did. I ran through the hallway's and got to my baby just in time to hold him down for bloodwork. Did I mention he hates bandaids?? Imagine how much he LOVES needles. He fights, kicks, screams, scratches, swings and arches through every procedure. He has finally stopped screaming and shaking when a doctor walks in the room, so that is a blessing.
He is scared. Terrified. Sick. Tired. Longing for his home. I am too.
Today we saw hope. We saw him attempt to play with a balloon. He played with a car. He smiled a weak halfway smile. He said I love you. He laughed, almost. It was beautiful. It was priceless. It was Collin.
I know morning is coming soon for us. I know I am running on 1 hour of sleep and a 1/2 hour nap. I know the last week was Hell for us. I know I need to rest, but I can't right now. Rest will come for me, I know it will.
So, to answer the question, "is there anything I can do to help?" Only Grandparents and parents are allowed to come in to see us so you can't physically sit with us. I think the only thing that helps right now is knowing you are praying for our boy and the encouragement you are sending via e-mail, phone calls and facebook. For that I am eternally grateful. For now, I need to go, it is almost nightmare time. He is tossing and turning.

Edited Update

I will just fill in the blanks and edit my sister's previous post about Collin.
Corrections:
Aaron took Collin to the doctor.
I spoke w/ a doc on Friday night. Explained Collin's breathing and voiced several concerns and questions.
Sat night, Aaron spoke with our pediatrician and ask a nurse regarding our concerns.
These are minor errors, but I thought I would make a few corrections.

Update on Collin

Collin's story(by Aunt Jen)

(Here is the story to the best of my understanding.) Last week Collin got very sick. Becky and Aaron consulted the doctor who said it sounded like H1N1. Since everyone is advising people to quarantine themselves with H1N1 and stay out of the dr office unless things get really bad, they did. By Thursday, Collin was on his 3rd day 0f a 102+ temp and was not himself at all. He wasn't eating, sleeping or doing anything but moaning and trying to breathe. So, Becky took him in to the doc. The doctor assured her that it was H1N1 and that they did not need to do any further testing. Things kept getting worse and by Friday night Becky's "mommy-radar" was blaring loudly that something was off. On Saturday they called the doctor to explain that Collin's color was way off and he was really struggling to breathe and his temp was still very high. They were advised to wait until Monday to do anything. By Sunday night, Becky's mommy radar was too loud to deny and she did what she and Aaron thought was best, despite the doctor's advice. They took Collin to Children's because he was really struggling to breathe. They assessed him and became very concerned (Becky only learned the severity of this concern after the fact). Testing showed that Collin did not have H1N1 or any other flus but had pneumonia. Due to the fact that this was misdiagnosed, his pneumonia festered in his little chest and he was admitted to the hospital. He is currently on very strong IV antibiotics and oxygen. His respiration is starting to get better and his temp is back down under 100 after a slight jump earlier tonight. Please keep Collin and his family in your prayers. He will be in the hospital at least through Wednesday.

Painting the sidewalk

Yesterday we needed a little bit of outside fun and I had promised the boys that they could paint. My friend Lisa, about a week ago, suggested painting on the sidewalk and washing it off. So....that is what we did. I decided to leave it instead of washing it off because I think the boys would have been heartbroken if Daddy didn't get to see what they did. They thought it was so silly to paint the sidewalk. Collin is yelling "PAINTING" for the camera. ( It sounded more appropriate a command than "cheese".) He just looks angry.LOL!
I think it is interesting how they claimed their paint plate immediately. I was encouraging them to mix colors and use all three colors too, but they were pretty loyal to the initial color they had chosen.
Noah did go for some purple, blue and yellow. Collin eventually added yellow to his red. They were so proud of their work and couldn't wait to show Daddy. FYI Tempra paint came off the Crocs with hot soapy water and a tiny bit of elbow grease!:)

An Ohio blogger's weekend: Part 2

Sunday afternoon Aaron and I took the boys to a Weight Watcher's event hosted by Amy of AmyInOhio.com and Emily of MomminItUp.com . The event was held at Tom's Corn Maze in Germantown, OH. It was so much fun!


Noah is enjoying his s'more.
There was some serious marshmallow roasting going on here. MMMM MMMM Good!

Collin love being in the woods. There was so much for a little boy to explore! So fun.


Collin, Noah, Ryan and Charlie are sitting on top of an old fire engine that is now a pumpkin launcher. It was really cool!
Before you enter the maze, you hear a tutorial from a nice worker from Tom's farm.

We walked through the maze with Katie from DomesticDebacle.com (her hubs and kiddo) and Erin from 5dollardinners.com (and her hubs and kids). It was so fun for the kids (grown-up's too) to have some friends to go through the maze with us! They liked hiding in the cornstalks and steeling corn.

It was a great afternoon!! A good time was had by all!

An Ohio blogger's weekend: Part 1

This was a great weekend to be a blogger in Dayton! SO much to do and so many great ladies to meet and spend time with. Saturday night Hubs and my dad took Noah and Collin to a cider making event at a farm in Xenia, OH. It is an annual event hosted by the wonderfully generous Beam family! I try to make the event every year and I think this is only the 4th or5th one I have
missed since I was in Jr. high. So sad I didn't get to visit with the wonderful folks there.. Hubs said it was a blast and the kids had a wonderful time throwing apples into the apple washing machine. They brought home a 1/2 gal of the amazing cider!

Yes, I made them do this, but look how cute they are!
The boys made these SCARY (insert spooky voice) Jack-O-Lantern's last weekend w/ my parents.
Notice the resemblance between Collin and his friend?
So, while the men in my life played farmer, my BFF and Mom headed to the onceamonth.com tweet-up at Forge Enterprises in the Historic Oregon District. It was so much fun. We got to eat yummy food, watch cooking demo's, visit with some amazing women and make new friends! I think the icing on the cake was that we (Stephany, Mom and I) all won a prize! Very cool!
I won this (minus cover) amazing Longaberger large market basket.

(photo : Longaberger.com)
AND this 9x11 stone baking dish in cranberry.

(photo :Longaberger.com)

It was a beautiful night! The weather was cool, but warm enough to check out the view from the roof.

It was really a nice treat to be out of the house spending time talking, eating and learning.


This is the only pic I got of the actual event! I know, I am sooooo lame! This is Tricia. She is the author and creator of Onceamonthmom.com. It is a wonderful concept and I hope to give it a try SOON! (Come on mom! Let's do it!) http://onceamonthmom.com/ If you like the idea of cooking for the entire month in one day, than go to her site now and learn how! She is really organized and has many wonderful idea's!

Overall, it was a great night!!

9 and counting...

Here are a few pics of how we celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.

This is what 9 years of marriage will do to a couple.


Ahhh, this is better.



Noah liked the lining. Check out Collin in the chair behind Noah. Our wedding video has this affect on people.

The bride and groom.

Noah really wanted me to wear my "married clothes".

Wedded Bliss

9 years ago, today, I married my best friend. Aaron has been a constant support and I am so thankful to have him as my partner in life. I love the life God has blessed us with. Happy anniversary hubby! I love you!

Update...

Happy to report that my dad came through the heart cath great! The doc found a 70% blockage so he did an angioplasty and inserted a stent. All is well. Praying for a quick recovery. Thanks for all your support!