Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A normal day

So, life is one again running on schedule. So far anyway. I haven't talked too much about last week yet because I am so tired still and my mind is not in a healthy place about it. All of the mommy guilt is killing me. Some of the thoughts are rational: why didn't I listen to my instinct on Friday instead of waiting until Sunday night? answer: because I was listening to those who I thought know a lot more about this stuff than I did and I am a hypochondriac. Other thoughts are very dark and I won't share them with you yet. It is too painful. I have analyzed the entire week and continue to come to the same conclusion.
(In my sinful mind) The truth is...
I am sad.
I am angry.
I am fearful.
I am worried.
I am waiting for all of the blessing in my life get up and leave once they realize who they are stuck with.
In reality...
I believe that God is sovereign.
I believe he has complete control over our lives.
I believe God has Collin's life set in stone since the beginning of time.
Nothing that happens is out of God's plan or control. This brings great comfort, but reminds me I have no control. I love control, hate not having control and constantly sin in this area of my life. What will it take for me to actually let go of things and rest in the beauty of my precious Father. He has it all figured out. I am not here for myself, but for His perfect plan. My prayer right now is that I will daily give that control up and become more like Him and less like me.

1 comment:

DrMommy said...

Dear lady, I am praying for you! It is so hard to see things the way the Lord does when you've taken a trip to hell and back. Do know that you are an amazing woman and mother, and He knew what He was doing when He chose YOU to be Noah and Collin's mommy! Giving up control is also something I battle with daily -- but at least we have an awesome God to give it to. Praise Him!! What happened to Collin was NOT your fault in any way. You did everything a great Mommy should!

********************* What's New with the Dells? ********************

*********************************** Becky Dell *********************************

*********************Child of God, happily married to a wonderful man and together we are raising 2 amazing Boys!*************

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I am a child of God! I am happily married to the love of my life and together we are raising two amazing boys.