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Looking you in the eyes and speaking the truth

Today I am going to look you in the eye and share the truth about what I am going through. Some of it will be obvious, some hard, some hum-drum, some encouraging, and some disposable. Here it is.

The truth is...

*This morning I woke up tired, not because I went to bed late, but because the pain was bad last night. I didn't rest much. It was a long night.

*About 6:30, Collin came into our bed for morning cuddle time. Aaron and I have encouraged this from the start with the boys. We love cuddling with them. We soak it up. We long for it. We treasure it. Today, when he came in he snuggled up to Aaron and went back to sleep. Around 7:15 I woke up rolled over and looked at my beautiful (ALMOST 4 year old!!) boy sleeping. No worries, no concern, no pain... just rest. This gave me great joy and peace and I finally felt rested.

*Aaron & Noah beat me downstairs. By the time I joined them in the kitchen, coffee had been brewed and they were getting ready to make breakfast! I settled in on the couch with a nice comfy blanket and listened to Aaron and Noah as they started the process of making french toast to the sizzling/popping soundtrack of bacon cooking on the griddle behind them. Noah asked the typical gazillion questions. Aaron gave the answers. It was all music to my heart!! The batter was completed and the bread was being dipped and griddled to perfection. YUM!

*We went to church. Sunday school was wonderful. I love the teaching style of my girlfriend Lisa and the topic, I am sure, was picked just for my benefit. Okay, I know that isn't the case, but man did it ring true and speak to me.

*The church service was difficult. My back became more and more angry, so I excused myself and found an empty classroom and laid on the floor for a while. When I regained my strength, I went back to church only to hear the end of the sermon. I didn't retain much.

*After church we came home. I helped Aaron get lunch together. We ate and I asked the boys if they would walk on my legs. Noah smiled and said,"Mommy, are you going to play with us?". I told him I was going to lay on the floor and would like it if they would walk on my legs to help them feel better. He shrunk down, lowered his head and said, "nevermind". That broke my heart.

*God affirmed our decision to have back surgery 2 times today.

*Tonight I am going to church and will be annointed w/ oil and prayed for. I love our church family!

*Tonight we will have communion at church tonight.

*I do not know how I will get through this week, but I know God is faithful and will do what he says he will do!

*Tuesday and Wednesday I will have thyroid scans. I am honestly not worried about it. I know this is all part of God's plan for my life. I know God is good all the time! I know he has given me great peace about all that is going on in my body.

*I am focusing on his goodness. The pain I am currently going through is intense and horrible, but I praise him for all that he is teaching me through this struggle. He is so gracious. Praise God!

Happy Easter!!

Living and Learning

Fact : I love my boys. I would die for my boys. No question.

Fact : God loved his son. He loved him enough to offer Him as a sacrifice for me. He sent his son as payment for my sins. WOW! What amazing love.

On December 19th last year, while on our way home from a family Christmas party, Noah prayed to ask Jesus in his heart. It was an amazing, humbling, precious, loving, deeply touching, life-changing moment in the life of our family. To see God grab ahold of Noah's heart at the young age of 4 changed my life too. By God calling Noah, he awakened part of me that had been asleep for quite some time. It renewed my desire to really get into his word and SEEK Him with purpose and intent. Before then, I would read the Bible and study the word, but it often felt like homework. Ya know? I desired to learn more about God, but I don't think I had a burning desire to do so. Now, don't get me wrong, I daily struggle with the desire to sit and read, but I think the part that has changed the most is my desire to understand what he means. Nothing in life, past/present/future, happens by accident. NOTHING. There are NO coincidences. NONE!

As I reflect on Easter this year, my heart is in a different place. It is as if God has flipped the switch to "on" and I need to know more of him. He has changed my desires. As I let go of some of the control issues I so DEARLY cling to, I feel free - not scared. Not afraid. Not alone. I don't feel like the world is going to end. I don't feel like it won't get done. I feel fulfilled. I feel at peace. I feel calm.

A few weeks ago the boys got a playset for the backyard as a combined birthday gift from my parents and sister. I told the boys when friends come over to play it is important to show them God's love while they are playing. I explained that many of our neighbors do not know Jesus, encouraging them to share Jesus with their friends and how important that was. Well, Noah took my instruction and has made it a point, on his own, to ask each friend if they know who God is. Most of the time they have either changed the subject or acted irritated. The other day, this happened:

Noah: Do you know God?

Friend: No.

N: Did you know NO ONE IS BIGGER THAN God?

F: I am bigger than God.

N: No you are NOT!

F: Yes I am!

N: *tears* Mommy, F said she is bigger than God! Can you tell her she is not. She needs to know how much God loves her.

Me : F, come up here and sit with me on the porch for a minute.

F: *Joining me on the porch* What?

M: Noah is right, No one is bigger than God.

F: Nu-Uh! I am bigger than God.

M: Did you make the tree's?

F: No.

M: God did. Did you make the sky, ground, birds or flowers?

F: No.

M: God did. HE made everything and he made you. HE loves you!

Then F changed the subject. I dropped it and explained to Noah how important it is for us to share God's love with our friends, but he is the one who will make them understand. That is not up to us.

It has been so convicting to watch Noah talk to his friends about God. He has no fear. He has a pure, childlike faith. It is beautiful.

During this time of pain in my life, I feel so blessed. I wish the pain would end and I could be more active and get back to living like a 31 year old instead of an 80 year old. I wish I could get back to completing my weightloss goals, but that is not what God wants for me right now. The pain and restrictions have taught me a great deal about God. About His love. Pain brings many gifts. He has made me more aware of suffering. More aware of those hurting. More aware of HIS work. It is as if He has visibly taken me out of the equation. It is ALL him. It is All His work with in me. It is a blessing. I pray, when the suffering is over, I will NEVER forget what he is teaching me.

Happy Easter.

Update

Alright, here is the scoop.....

It looks like I need surgery. I have an extremely herniated disc in my low back and it is compressing nerves affecting both of my legs. I am in a great deal of pain most days and in moderate pain the rest of the time. I have scheduled surgery on May 20th. In the mean time I will seek a second opinion, just to make sure I have no other option. The surgery will not be an easy one.

Here's the skinny:

*4 hours

*Remove the disc.

*Replace it with a spacer.

*Fuse it all together.

*Place 4 screws.

I feel like I will be a giant erector set!

Recovery:

*Approx. 3 days in the hospital.

*Month 1 "Nothing of value" (per doctor). Only walking.

*Month 2 Start driving!! Start doing daily activities.

*Month 3 Begin their exercise program where they will "beat me up" (doctor again) and strengthen my back. The doc assured me this would be very painful, but the results would be good.

So there you have it. The long and short of it.

In other news... I will go back for a second ultrasound of the 2 nodules on my thyroid tomorrow afternoon. I will post more when I have new info!

I wanted to leave you with this sweet little gem! So sweet! God's generous blessing to me that keeps me going on the days when I hurt the most. I am richly blessed!

The Circus is COMING to Dayton!!

Come experience the all-new

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey presents ZING ZANG ZOOM

Playing at the Nutter Center

with your family!

Once again, I am partnering with momcentral.com and hosting a give away! One lucky winner will win a family 4 pack of tickets to opening night, April 29 at the Nutter Center!

If you aren't the winner, I will have a special offer for you!

Purchase a 4-pack of tickets for weekday shows for only $44,

or receive $4 off any weekend ticket by logging onto HYPERLINK "http://www.ticketmaster.com"www.ticketmaster.com and entering the coupon code:MOM.**

Dayton Show Dates:

Thursday April 29: 7:o0pm

Friday April 30: 7:00 pm

Saturday May 1: 11:00am, 3:00pm, 7:00pm

Sunday May 2: 12:00pm, 4:00pm

To enter, all you need to do is leave a comment with your e-mail address or Twitter handle so I can give you the news if you win. I will also post the winner after on April 16th by 9 a.m. here on my bloggity blog!

*Contest ends April 15 at 9 p.m.

*Please note - any comments I make to this post will be deleted before the winner is determined through random.org.

Noah turns 5!!

Noah turned 5 on March 9. It was a beautiful day so we went to the park and played!! It was wonderful.

On Saturday, we celebrated with the family and had a couple of friends over to spend the night. My mom made the Pirate cake and it was perfect!!:)
James, such a cutie!
Noah, Peter and Ryan. 3 buddies getting ready for a FUN night!
Noah modeling his pirate bandana.
Peter giving his best Pirate, ARRRGGGG!
Ryan was a calm Pirate, at this point in the evening. He is such a sweet boy.
Pirate Collin, trying to look tough.
Time for a craft.
Peter and Noah working on their Pirate ornaments.
All of our party Pirates showing their telescopes and swords.
After crafts, bingo, pin the tail on the donkey and dinner, we settled in for a movie.
Lights out!
Sunday morning was fun too! We all go to church together, so they were able to play together until we got to church.
There were some highly competitive games of ring around the rosie going on!
A few more minutes of extreme cuteness.
The next day, Grandpa Jim started to assemble the gift from my parents and sister for Noah and Collin's combined birthday present. So much fun!!
They love it!! The best part is that we are constantly entertaining our neighbor kids. I spoke with Noah and Collin last week about how important it is to tell our friends about Jesus. Noah started witnessing to his little friends the first day they came over. What a blessing and a challenge to this mommy.
Happy birthday. I love you so much Noah. You are an amazing boy.

The winner is.... Lucky Number 13!! Jen your family is going to the circus!! I will contact you to tell you how to claim your prize! Thank you to everyone who entered my very first giveaway! Check back, in the near future I will be hosting another circus giveaway! :)

Wishing I could freeze time

Today is one of those morning when I wish I could freeze time. Let me show you what I mean...

First Collin...

Noah...


I am truly blessed to stay at home with my boys and experience these precious moments. Precious moments.

The Circus is COMING to town!

Know how I am pushing away the winter blues?? I am hosting a give away!!

The Circus is coming to town!!! I am happy to partner with MomCentral and host a give away for tickets to the upcoming Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey "Zing Zang Zoom" Circus. The tickets are for the opening night show in Cincinnati, Ohio March 10. Not only will one of my lucky readers win a family 4 pack of tickets, the "All Access Pre-Show" is FREE for all ticket holders and begins an hour before showtime. If you aren't the winner of the give away, here is a coupon code for you! Go to www.ticketmaster.com and enter the coupon code: MOM. The code is valid for four tickets for $44 for Monday-Friday matinee shows (any additional tickets are still priced at $11), and $4 off Friday night and all weekend shows.

Cincinnati Show Dates: (US Bank Arena)

Wednesday March 10: 7:00pm

Thursday March 11: 7:00pm

Friday March 12: 7:00 pm

Saturday March 13: 11:00am, 3:00pm,

7:00pm

Sunday March 14: 11:00am, 3:00pm,

7:00pm

To enter simply leave a comment on this post! The drawing will be held Feb 25, 2010 at 10pm.

*You may enter once a day if you'd like!

*Please include your e-mail address so I can notify you of your win. OR check back here on 2/26 to see if you are the lucky winner.

Where have I been??

Why the Debbie Downer Face?
Well, honestly I haven't been hiding, just processing. I will fill you in, but try to be brief.

Where to begin?? Perhaps a brief summary will do the trick.

For the last (almost) 10 years I have dealt with some pretty extensive back problems. The truth is, I am in pain everyday, but it is part of me and doesn't warrant discussion. In December my back went out. When I say went out, I mean I couldn't walk. I went to the doc, got an script for prednisone (steroid), vicoden, and a shot in the butt of cortisone (steroid). This worked wonderfully at first. In fact I felt better than I had in a long time and enjoyed an amazing Christmas holiday and New Year's Eve. However, that was a gift from God and a couple of weeks ago the pain came back. My leg started hurting terribly and I began to experience numbness and tingling. YIKES! I will not try to explain this pain to you because unless you have personally experienced it, you cannot fully grasp the immense pain that it brings. Last week an MRI revealed a pinched nerve and a worsening of my degenerative disc disease all. My problems are in L4,L5 and S1. I have 2 bulging discs and one herniated and the disc disease is all over that area. So on Wed next week I will meet with a surgeon (again). I have not seen a neurosurgeon since 2002 so I am interested in what he has to say.

So I don't get comments about how this is the LAST resort, I will state what I have done for treatment over the last 9 + years since the onset of my back problems...

*Cortisone Epidural Injections - 2 times, each is a series of 3 injections - under x-ray - with a GIANT needle of cortisone into the epidural space.

*Physical Therapy - 4 different series of PT appt's over the 9+yrs.

*Chiropractics - 4 different docs with different approaches, multiple sessons (all resulting in worsening my symptoms).

*Many massages

*Steroids

*More steroids

*Pain management drugs

*Anti-inflammatory meds

*Muscle Relaxers

*Anti-spasmodic meds

*Yoga

*Pilates

*Weight training

I didn't want to jump into surgery, but honestly I have tried so many things, I am weary. I want to have a healthy back and if that means that I need to have surgical intervention, I am ready. Mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I will let you know what the surgeon says. I am also prepared for him to say there may be something else he recommends. I covet your prayers and support as we venture into a new phase of this journey. Thanks!!

How yummy does this look?

Okay, I am a terrible food photographer. In fact, you may be saying, "what the heck am I looking at anyway???". Well, as some of you already know, I am out of commission. My back has gone out and I am waiting to hear back from the people who schedule MRI's to get the test that will direct us one way or another. As for now, I am left in a lot of pain. Crawling, shuffling and trying to function throughout my day. Yes I said crawling. back pain is not for weaklings. So, today Noah made dinner. The above pic is the Chicken-Broccoli-Cauliflower-Cheddar Casserole that Noah made for dinner tonight. When I say Noah made it, I mean NOAH MADE IT. He put the chicken in the bakeware, added a bag of frozen broccoli and cauliflower and Campbell's Cheddar Broccoli condensed soup. Then he dumped a sleeve of Ritz crackers into a large Ziplock bag and beat them to a crumb with his fist. Then he melted a couple of TBSP of marg and added it to the cracker crumbles and dumped it onto the chicken mix. Then he evenly spread the crackers out with a spoon. Here is what the chef thought:
He said it was DELICIOUS! He couldn't wait to tell Daddy that he did this all by himself. I am so thankful for my little chef. Seriously people, he did the whole thing, only leaving the putting in the oven and taking it out.
Little brother doesn't look to thrilled!:) I assure you, he loved it and ate most of what you see on his plate!

Before...

So I recently came across a few old pics. I thought I would share them with you. Enjoy and please be kind...

This pic was taken on Nov 19, 2006. 7 days later I started making big change for a healthier lifestyle.

2004 in Disney World! Outside of MGM!!!
Happy New Years in 2003 at the Magic Kingdom!
Goofy at Epcot!
Gatlinburg 2002.
Also in Gatlinburg, with my cousin Michael and his wonderful wife Rebecca.

I hope you enjoy! It really feels like a lifetime ago!

Bondign Through Bakng

A couple of nights ago, Julia, Aka Aaron's cousin and flower girl in my wedding. Julie mentioned that she wanted to make a pretty cake. Well, I jumped at the chance to work with her on that project.

Noah took this picture for us!:)
We mixed our icing, baked our cake and the crumb coat was being applied.
Julie and Collin play with the icing tips.
Noah show Julie how much he already knows.
Julie is a natural! She did a fantastic job spreading the icing smooth as can be!
She came up with a really cute design.
Adorable!
We were so proud!
YUMMY! It was a delicious lemon cake with beautiful citrus colored icing. So refreshing on this cold winter day.:)

Thanks Julie!! It was a great night.

I HEART the Air Force Museum

We are blessed to live within 15 minutes of the Air Force Museum. It is a very cool place with a lot to see! It is also completely free. You can pay for the IMAX theater or the flight simulator, but the actual museum is free. It is a favorite pass time for us in the winter because it takes us about 2 1/2 hours to walk through it and it gets us out of the house. Yesterday, my husbands parents and Grandpa joined us.
How sweet is my little Collin in this pic. Hands folded neatly together as he looks at one of the scale sized blimps.
Grandma Rosie explains to Noah what he is looking at. It seems the boys have more questions each time we make a visit here. It is a great place to nurture their minds.
Many of the window are kid height. This is so wonderful! It is hard on this Mama's back to lift a 32 lbs kid and a 44 lbs kid up every couple of minutes to look at something for 21/2 hours.
These boots caught my eye. They are from 1918 and they would totally be in style if they were worn today. The trends just keep cycling. Albeit these served as functional footwear over fashion, it is still interesting.

Collin the Astronaut!

Noah the Astronaut! How cool is this??? LOVE IT!

Here is Noah controlling an aircraft.
There are 2 different jets that the kids (or grown-ups) can sit in and explore. VERY fun!
They have removed all of the dangerous stuff, but the kids could have played in here for days. So fun.
Here is an exhibit that realy confused Noah.

N:"Why is there a woman standing on that car?"

M:"She is celebrating freedom." * I continuing to explain the tearing down of the Berlin Wall.*

He didn't understand it, but some really great seeds were planted.

Just beyond that exhibit, the brightly colored exhibit, is an actual part of the Berlin Wall.

I didn't get pictures of it, but there are some new exhibits dedicated to our brave men and women who are currently battling for our freedom oversea's. It is both humbling and surreal to see our current events displayed in a museum. I was reminded of the sacrifice our brave service men and women are giving right now. I am so grateful for those who serve to keep our GREAT country free. May God bless America. To all who serve, have served or who plan on serving , THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU GIVE! We are blessed beyond measure to have you. God bless.