Thursday, September 4, 2008

Pondering...

So now that the birthday is done and I am left with nothing to plan, I am forced to deal with the many emotion's that I have ignored over the past 3 weeks. Things have gone quickly and my next surgery is fast approaching. I don't know how to express with words the way I felt before I left for the ER on Aug 12. I thought I was dying, so much so that I actually left a letter for my husband, kids, parents and sister. I wanted to make sure things that needed to be said were said and that everyone understoood my wishes. I looked at my children from my collapsed position on the floor feeling confident that my eyes would no longer rest upon their tiny little faces. I was deeply concerned that their last sight of me being would be me, crying in pain on the floor and Noah coming up to comfort me, saying "what's wrong sweetie". My heart broke, but I knew then and I know now, if God had chosen that scenerio that He would comfort and heal their little hearts as well. He would not leave or forsake them. He would carry them through life. Thankfully I am still here with them and they did not have to endure the pain that would naturally come with the loss of a mother, but I need to remember my place in their lives as well. I am their caregiver, not the one who gave them the breath of life. My plans are not perfect. My will is far from perfect, but God and His will is 100% perfect. He has a plan laid out for my life as well as Collin and Noah. My job is to teach them, love them, encourage them, discipline them, feed/clothe them, while showing and instructing them to turn to Jesus.
The next surgery, the big one, is a week from Tuesday. I am no longer worried about it. I feel confident that God will guide the surgeon's hands through the entire operation. I trust and rest in His hands. Don't get me wrong, I am dreading the pain and healing that will accompany the whole process, but I feel as though there is an end in sight. I am ready for the doc's to get and actual look at my unhealthy urerter and identify conclusively what is exactly going on. I hope and pray it is a birth defect, but I have to prepare myself for the unknown, it may be something else. It may not be a "quick fix". We will know soon enough. Even though earthly eyes have not gotten a clear image of my urerter, the eyes of the Great Physician know full well what the problem is.
Now, I find myself crying a lot. When I am not crying, I am trying not to. I think if I let the tears fall they may never stop. Do you know what I mean? I am struck by the work God is doing in my life. Why am I resisting Him still in certain area's of my life? Why do I struggle DAILY with making it a priority to read His word and soak Him in. Why did He chose to let me go back to my earthly family? When will I fully give myself to Him and submit to His will for my life? When will I live by the priorities He wants me too instead of insisting on the way I want things to be?
When will I grow up?

5 comments:

Jen said...

You sound a lot like I did after Emmaline was born, not that my life was in peril, but I was so afraid of what lay ahead for our family. What in the world were we supposed to do with a Down syndrome baby with a heart defect? God and I had it out one night as I lay my feelings before Him and I've had total peace ever since. It has had it's challenges, but our lives are so much BETTER because of Emmy's presence. You have your priorities in order and your focus on Him, so take some time for yourself knowing that this is all part of His perfect plan for your life. Love and prayers!

Mackensie said...

Doctors always ask what the pain is on a scale of 1 to 10. To gauge pain properly - they should ask if you've written a letter to your children - or have you prayed to God to "end it all right here and now." that's pain.

Please just know that people love and care for you - and so does God. If you weren't having these feelings something would be wrong.

Mrs_Scotsman said...

I wish it were possible to have a literally heart to heart. I feel what I want to tell you, but finding the words that match them isn't easy. Staying in the Word is so hard. I think it was Paul or Peter who said what I want to do I do not do, but don't want to do I do. Our sin nature gets us everytime. Pray as much as you can. And during this season of your life have prayer warriors around you to pray when you can't.
MrsScotsman

jennifer said...

Dear sister,
Here comes my sage wisdom. Keep in mind I am a whole 16 months older than you and as such, have gleaned a tremendous amount of wisdom from this life that you have yet to experience. This solution may sound trite but it is truth and it has worked in my life more times than I can count. The answer to all of your questions is today! God doesn't work on our time frame. He has no yesterday nor a tomorrow. That is why He instructs us not to worry about tomorrow or get bogged down with yesterday. Don't worry about a lifetime of devoted service and faithful spiritual discipline. Just commit to do it today! He will guide and direct you. Commit your day to him each morning and make a daily vow to seek Him. Before you leave your bed, offer a simple prayer of dedication. Before you feet hit the floor, ask Him to give you eyes to see and ears to hear where He wants you to go. Don't ask Him to guide your steps... He has always promised that. Ask Him to help you discern His direction. I hope this encourages you! I love you and the body of Christ is binding together in ways you will never fully comprehend to bear your burdens together as we walk through this life and seek to glorify our Father!

simplegifts3 said...

Becky, thank you so much for everything you did for Aaron and me during this time.

A couple times I told Rosie to just order pizza and have soft drinks!

I hope by now you are feeling better. We are praying for you!

********************* What's New with the Dells? ********************

*********************************** Becky Dell *********************************

*********************Child of God, happily married to a wonderful man and together we are raising 2 amazing Boys!*************

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I am a child of God! I am happily married to the love of my life and together we are raising two amazing boys.