Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Missing part of my heart

Tonight I am up late, a seemingly new normal to me. Tonight I am missing my first child. I don't know why. I just know I am. "She", (I will never know if the baby was male or female, but I have always felt like this baby was a girl), would have been 5 this fall and her short life is still so deeply intertwined with mine that I often miss her. I miss her in silence, but I miss her deeply and constantly.
When I think of her:
~ I remember the smell of garlic. I remember being in church, being distracted by the smell of garlic and asking Aaron if he smelled it too. When he said "no" I immediately jumped to the idea of being pregnant.
~ I remember feeling like I was constipated.
~ I remember telling Aaron he was going to be a father.
~ I remember telling our parents, siblings, extended families and our closest friends.
~ I remember my OB telling me to "hold off" telling people until 13 weeks that I was pregnant.
~ I remember understanding the wisdom in that statement after the fact.
~ I remember going to a baby sale with my mom, a girlfriend and her mom and purchasing a lot of baby stuff.
~ I remember the joy, the excitement and daydreaming about my new baby and watching her grow up.
~ I remember waiting for my 8 week ultrasound in the waiting room with my mom, restless because I "had a terrible feeling that the baby was not okay".
~ I remember begging the doctor to keep looking for the baby.
~ I remember catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror next to the exam bed and seeing spots cover my face, neck and arms as I broke out in hives.
~ I remember going to another doctor's office waiting for the confirmation that my baby was gone.
~ I remember coming home with an empty uterus to a table full of freshly laundered baby clothes.
~ I remember telling Aaron that we lost the baby.
~ I remember falling down on the floor and wanting to die.
~ I remember not wanting to sleep in the bed where she was conceived and sleeping in a weeping puddle on the floor for many nights.
~ I remember wanting to drink copious amounts of alcohol.
~ I remember rock bottom.
~ I remember sitting on the front porch drinking a cup of coffee, while Aaron was gone wishing God would take me too.
~ I remember pulling "my" file out of the filing cabinet while looking for some paperwork and stumbling upon the ultrasound picture and falling onto the floor and sobbing.
~ I remember all of these things often.
At different times in my life I think about her differently. Sometimes I think of the joy, the AMAZING joy she brought. I think about the amazing impact she has had on my life. I think about the love I still have for her. Tonight, however, I think about how much I miss her. How I hurt deeply for the opportunity to sneak into her bedroom and steal a kiss like I do every night from her brothers. I think about stroking the hair out of her eyes and how I long to hold her tight. Tonight, I miss her. I miss her so much. I miss her so deeply. Goodnight sweet first baby, I will always love you. YOU will forever be the baby that opened my heart to a mother's love and will forever reside in my heart and in my life.


Lizzy said...

Thank you for sharing your hidden grief with us. It's usually so easy to think that if we can't see pain, that it's not there, even if it is very real. Thank you for helping me know how to pray for you. I love you!

Jen said...

Isn't it amazing how you can miss someone so much that you never got to meet? I feel this way about Emmy's twin, but know that one day we'll meet in heaven. Maybe our kiddos are playing together like they would have down here. I remember your joyous phone call to me at work when you found out you were expecting. I was so happy we were pregnant at the same time! I remember getting the sad phone call from Aaron and bringing you guys dinner that night. I also remember how sad and guilty I felt for you because I was pregnant with Ellie at the time. I'm so thankful that God gave us friends to help us deal with life when it happens. Love you!

Susie said...

It's so good to remember. Even the pain. It honors the short life that no one else knew.

I know what it feels like to lose, but I don't know what it feels like to lose your first. I'm sorry you didn't get to know her.

Love you

Sonya said...

I have goosebumps. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

This is a beautiful post, as awful and sad as it is.

I remember daily trips to the hamburger wagon in Miamisburg and purchasing our first video camera (huge splurge) and early baby gifts and an ultrasound with a beautiful baby but no heartbeat. I remember overhearing a nurse talk about her pregnancy when I woke up from surgery and asking if my baby was a girl. They didn't know, but I did. She lived inside me for twelve weeks and would have been 5 last Feburary.

It's nice to know I'm not crazy for agonizing over it after all this time and after having a wonderful child with me now.

Jenny said...

I have never been pregnant since I have never been married but I know the depth of coming to the grips that you may never be a mother. I know how it feels to think no one understands how you really feel. I know the depth of that pain and loneliness and I know the anger and eventual freedom when you finally release you, your life, your plans, your pain... all of it to your Father! Thanks for sharing Becky!

Marianne Thomas said...

Oh my, how moving. I'm sniffling back tears. I can't imagine that loss but the more and more blogs I read, the more women I read disclose their own babylosses.

It was great to meet you today! I'm sure we'll connect again.


********************* What's New with the Dells? ********************

*********************************** Becky Dell *********************************

*********************Child of God, happily married to a wonderful man and together we are raising 2 amazing Boys!*************

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I am a child of God! I am happily married to the love of my life and together we are raising two amazing boys.