Missing part of my heart

Tonight I am up late, a seemingly new normal to me. Tonight I am missing my first child. I don't know why. I just know I am. "She", (I will never know if the baby was male or female, but I have always felt like this baby was a girl), would have been 5 this fall and her short life is still so deeply intertwined with mine that I often miss her. I miss her in silence, but I miss her deeply and constantly.
When I think of her:
~ I remember the smell of garlic. I remember being in church, being distracted by the smell of garlic and asking Aaron if he smelled it too. When he said "no" I immediately jumped to the idea of being pregnant.
~ I remember feeling like I was constipated.
~ I remember telling Aaron he was going to be a father.
~ I remember telling our parents, siblings, extended families and our closest friends.
~ I remember my OB telling me to "hold off" telling people until 13 weeks that I was pregnant.
~ I remember understanding the wisdom in that statement after the fact.
~ I remember going to a baby sale with my mom, a girlfriend and her mom and purchasing a lot of baby stuff.
~ I remember the joy, the excitement and daydreaming about my new baby and watching her grow up.
~ I remember waiting for my 8 week ultrasound in the waiting room with my mom, restless because I "had a terrible feeling that the baby was not okay".
~ I remember begging the doctor to keep looking for the baby.
~ I remember catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror next to the exam bed and seeing spots cover my face, neck and arms as I broke out in hives.
~ I remember going to another doctor's office waiting for the confirmation that my baby was gone.
~ I remember coming home with an empty uterus to a table full of freshly laundered baby clothes.
~ I remember telling Aaron that we lost the baby.
~ I remember falling down on the floor and wanting to die.
~ I remember not wanting to sleep in the bed where she was conceived and sleeping in a weeping puddle on the floor for many nights.
~ I remember wanting to drink copious amounts of alcohol.
~ I remember rock bottom.
~ I remember sitting on the front porch drinking a cup of coffee, while Aaron was gone wishing God would take me too.
~ I remember pulling "my" file out of the filing cabinet while looking for some paperwork and stumbling upon the ultrasound picture and falling onto the floor and sobbing.
~ I remember all of these things often.
At different times in my life I think about her differently. Sometimes I think of the joy, the AMAZING joy she brought. I think about the amazing impact she has had on my life. I think about the love I still have for her. Tonight, however, I think about how much I miss her. How I hurt deeply for the opportunity to sneak into her bedroom and steal a kiss like I do every night from her brothers. I think about stroking the hair out of her eyes and how I long to hold her tight. Tonight, I miss her. I miss her so much. I miss her so deeply. Goodnight sweet first baby, I will always love you. YOU will forever be the baby that opened my heart to a mother's love and will forever reside in my heart and in my life.

update

I love this pic of Mamaw and Collin! We went on a picnic with Mamaw and Poppie after visiting Sunwatch Indian Village.
This is such a sweet pic of the boys! Not only are they hugging, Collin is also kissing Noah! LOVE!!
Collin love this!
Noah was fascinated with the miniature displays in the Sunwatch Museum.

Well many things have been going on and I apologize for neglecting my blog and leaving you hanging for so long.
Here is a quick update!
Jenny came home for a brief visit to celebrate her 32nd birthday. It was a great visit and we had a lot of fun!!
I said goodbye to a dear friend Susan, her hubs and her 3 beautiful kids as they were relocated to "stupid"Alaska. I miss her deeply and I wish she were still here, but trust God has a bigger plan for her, so I will rest in that.
For a while now, I have had the desire to start a new blog. Well my sister has agreed to partner with me and we will soon LAUNCH our new blog! I am really excited about this new adventure and work together on this project.
I hate how impersonal this post is, but I wanted to catch you up on the last couple weeks.
I will post more pics soon!

HMM??

Have you ever wondered what other people think about you? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I would love to hear your thoughts!! I will elaborate more in a future post.

An update in pictures!

A couple weeks ago Aaron and my Dad took the boys to their very first Dayton Dragon's game!
Noah and Collin showin Gem some love.
Daddy and his little men!
Noah has been touching his teeth recently in pictures to "make sure his teeth are touching". Here they are in front of the stadium.
Collin showing off his new cowboy boots!
Collin LOVES Roxi!
Roxi tolerates Collin!
Collin took this pic.
Noah took this pic. I think he did a really great job!

July!

Friday night, Aaron and I went to Thai night with Josh and Megan. (Aaron's brother and his wife.)



We were walking around the Oregon District after our DELISH dinner and I thought I should pose for a pic in my "pin-up" outfit. The story is, I wore this to church a few weeks ago and I got several comments on my outfit choice. Everything from Rizzo from Grease to Minnie Mouse, but mostly people said I looked like a 50's pin-up girl. UMM okay. So, a pic had to be taken! Other shots are a little to riskay for this here blog, so I will post the most innocent. ;) wink wink;)




Here is my fav pic of the evening! I love me some Megan!!
Crazy part of the night, Josh was window shopping *read I sent him away so Megan could take some more pics of me!* at one of the antique stores and the owner of the shop came over to try to make a sale. Well, along with him came 2 other men, one of them was Aaron and Joshua's cousin Damon... small world. We ended up spending the rest of the evening at the Trolley Stop sharing drinks and great convo with Damon and his girlfriend, Jen. It was wonderful!