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Looking you in the eyes and speaking the truth

Today I am going to look you in the eye and share the truth about what I am going through. Some of it will be obvious, some hard, some hum-drum, some encouraging, and some disposable. Here it is.

The truth is...

*This morning I woke up tired, not because I went to bed late, but because the pain was bad last night. I didn't rest much. It was a long night.

*About 6:30, Collin came into our bed for morning cuddle time. Aaron and I have encouraged this from the start with the boys. We love cuddling with them. We soak it up. We long for it. We treasure it. Today, when he came in he snuggled up to Aaron and went back to sleep. Around 7:15 I woke up rolled over and looked at my beautiful (ALMOST 4 year old!!) boy sleeping. No worries, no concern, no pain... just rest. This gave me great joy and peace and I finally felt rested.

*Aaron & Noah beat me downstairs. By the time I joined them in the kitchen, coffee had been brewed and they were getting ready to make breakfast! I settled in on the couch with a nice comfy blanket and listened to Aaron and Noah as they started the process of making french toast to the sizzling/popping soundtrack of bacon cooking on the griddle behind them. Noah asked the typical gazillion questions. Aaron gave the answers. It was all music to my heart!! The batter was completed and the bread was being dipped and griddled to perfection. YUM!

*We went to church. Sunday school was wonderful. I love the teaching style of my girlfriend Lisa and the topic, I am sure, was picked just for my benefit. Okay, I know that isn't the case, but man did it ring true and speak to me.

*The church service was difficult. My back became more and more angry, so I excused myself and found an empty classroom and laid on the floor for a while. When I regained my strength, I went back to church only to hear the end of the sermon. I didn't retain much.

*After church we came home. I helped Aaron get lunch together. We ate and I asked the boys if they would walk on my legs. Noah smiled and said,"Mommy, are you going to play with us?". I told him I was going to lay on the floor and would like it if they would walk on my legs to help them feel better. He shrunk down, lowered his head and said, "nevermind". That broke my heart.

*God affirmed our decision to have back surgery 2 times today.

*Tonight I am going to church and will be annointed w/ oil and prayed for. I love our church family!

*Tonight we will have communion at church tonight.

*I do not know how I will get through this week, but I know God is faithful and will do what he says he will do!

*Tuesday and Wednesday I will have thyroid scans. I am honestly not worried about it. I know this is all part of God's plan for my life. I know God is good all the time! I know he has given me great peace about all that is going on in my body.

*I am focusing on his goodness. The pain I am currently going through is intense and horrible, but I praise him for all that he is teaching me through this struggle. He is so gracious. Praise God!

Happy Easter!!

Living and Learning

Fact : I love my boys. I would die for my boys. No question.

Fact : God loved his son. He loved him enough to offer Him as a sacrifice for me. He sent his son as payment for my sins. WOW! What amazing love.

On December 19th last year, while on our way home from a family Christmas party, Noah prayed to ask Jesus in his heart. It was an amazing, humbling, precious, loving, deeply touching, life-changing moment in the life of our family. To see God grab ahold of Noah's heart at the young age of 4 changed my life too. By God calling Noah, he awakened part of me that had been asleep for quite some time. It renewed my desire to really get into his word and SEEK Him with purpose and intent. Before then, I would read the Bible and study the word, but it often felt like homework. Ya know? I desired to learn more about God, but I don't think I had a burning desire to do so. Now, don't get me wrong, I daily struggle with the desire to sit and read, but I think the part that has changed the most is my desire to understand what he means. Nothing in life, past/present/future, happens by accident. NOTHING. There are NO coincidences. NONE!

As I reflect on Easter this year, my heart is in a different place. It is as if God has flipped the switch to "on" and I need to know more of him. He has changed my desires. As I let go of some of the control issues I so DEARLY cling to, I feel free - not scared. Not afraid. Not alone. I don't feel like the world is going to end. I don't feel like it won't get done. I feel fulfilled. I feel at peace. I feel calm.

A few weeks ago the boys got a playset for the backyard as a combined birthday gift from my parents and sister. I told the boys when friends come over to play it is important to show them God's love while they are playing. I explained that many of our neighbors do not know Jesus, encouraging them to share Jesus with their friends and how important that was. Well, Noah took my instruction and has made it a point, on his own, to ask each friend if they know who God is. Most of the time they have either changed the subject or acted irritated. The other day, this happened:

Noah: Do you know God?

Friend: No.

N: Did you know NO ONE IS BIGGER THAN God?

F: I am bigger than God.

N: No you are NOT!

F: Yes I am!

N: *tears* Mommy, F said she is bigger than God! Can you tell her she is not. She needs to know how much God loves her.

Me : F, come up here and sit with me on the porch for a minute.

F: *Joining me on the porch* What?

M: Noah is right, No one is bigger than God.

F: Nu-Uh! I am bigger than God.

M: Did you make the tree's?

F: No.

M: God did. Did you make the sky, ground, birds or flowers?

F: No.

M: God did. HE made everything and he made you. HE loves you!

Then F changed the subject. I dropped it and explained to Noah how important it is for us to share God's love with our friends, but he is the one who will make them understand. That is not up to us.

It has been so convicting to watch Noah talk to his friends about God. He has no fear. He has a pure, childlike faith. It is beautiful.

During this time of pain in my life, I feel so blessed. I wish the pain would end and I could be more active and get back to living like a 31 year old instead of an 80 year old. I wish I could get back to completing my weightloss goals, but that is not what God wants for me right now. The pain and restrictions have taught me a great deal about God. About His love. Pain brings many gifts. He has made me more aware of suffering. More aware of those hurting. More aware of HIS work. It is as if He has visibly taken me out of the equation. It is ALL him. It is All His work with in me. It is a blessing. I pray, when the suffering is over, I will NEVER forget what he is teaching me.

Happy Easter.