Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I am just sitting here, watching the boys play together. Currently, Collin is the patient and Noah is the doctor. Noah sporting a hospital green lab coat, doctor's kit in hand, and Collin covered in a warm fleece. The boys love their doctor's kit. The love to switch roles back and forth. They love to diagnose and treat the various made up ailments they suffer from. I lovingly watch them with a thankful heart, humbled by the thought that less than 8 months ago I almost died. I know if I would have died, I would now be resting in my Savior's loving arms, not longing for things of this earth, but my precious children would face a MUCH harsher reality... life without Mommy. I can't help but think about it. I am surprised at how often that thought creeps into my brain. I know full well that if that had been God's plan for my life, their life, it would have been made perfect, but it still weighs heavy on my heart.
I have been working so hard at not letting the tears fall I am exhausted. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I almost died. Last night I was experiencing pain in my urerter. Yes, I know where my urerter is and can identify when pain comes from there. Trust me it is as much fun as it sounds. It seems I am constantly reminded of the pain of the last year: physical, emotional and spiritual. I wonder if I have really even started healing. I don't know why I can't deal with it, but I really feel like I can't right now. Does that even make sense?
So, for today, I sit in the beauty of all that God has given me. All of the joy and all of the pain. All of the easy times and the times of amazing trials. I think about how healthy my boys are. I am thankful they are both healthy! SO VERY THANKFUL! No special dietary needs, no "special" education needs. Normal development, normal health, so often taken for granted, so underappreciated.


Erin said...

A life without some sort of long term stuggle or trial -Paul's 'thorn'- would be an empty one indeed. I fully believe that we are most aware of His rich blessings over us, that we cleave to Him, that we are stretched and refined to overflow, and know Him best when there is something that is constantly just plain HARD to deal with. You're right- you have a beautiful life, and I might add that your family and friends are rich because of you. I love you!

Jenny said...

Dear sister,
I think this is hard for you to deal with because that is how you are made. It is one of the many ways we are different. You prefer to wear rose colored glasses and I prefer a magnifying glass to examine it all. It is just how God wired us. You want to make the road easier for those you love and can't imagine placing obstacles in the paths of your friends and family (or even a stranger). It stands to reason that your view of God would reflect this desire. Yet you know (logically) that sometimes he allows painful trials. It is sometimes hard to reconcile those contradictions between heart and mind. You will get there, take your time, don't neglect it but don't rush it. Keep seeking Him and he will let you know when it is time. Reconciling your infinite soul to your human mortality is not an easy task, but you will get there. Keep praising HIm for the little things but don't forget to praise Him for the hard things too! There is freedom in praising Him for all of it the joy and the pain for it is all part of His plan for your life!!

AlyxLE said...

Enjoy the boys while it lasts. Isaac broke Seth's nose today! Boy do i miss those day's when they played together and the fighting was minimal!

********************* What's New with the Dells? ********************

*********************************** Becky Dell *********************************

*********************Child of God, happily married to a wonderful man and together we are raising 2 amazing Boys!*************

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I am a child of God! I am happily married to the love of my life and together we are raising two amazing boys.